The Melheimian Sabbatiblog

Hearing is more than a function of the ears

Here's a letter from yesterday. We hear this a lot from people starting our Faith Inkubators stuff. Some folks just haven't made the switch from a teacher/student/aural lecture/class model to a guide/guest/multi-dimensional/community learning model:

Rich,

Our program is going pretty well.  I had one of our junior guides ask if she could teach a lesson this week!  Yeah!!  Of course she will.  We still have a couple leaders that just aren't buying into the powerpoint......maybe next year they'll do something else.  :)   Most of us love it.

Thank you, Mark

Here's my response:

Mark,

Remember that the powerpoint is the tool and servant of the teacher, not the other way around.

Commend your leaders who haven’t bought into powerpoint for knowing something very important: The love and care of a real human being (in small group time) is a thousand times more effective than anything one could put on the screen.

Then tell them:

1. 2005 was a watershed year in the history of human technology. It was the year our teens crossed-over from the tv generation to the internet generation by spending more time on the net than with tv. Our churches haven’t even entered the tv generation (one-way delivery of material from teacher/entertainer to student/spectator) and our children have already left it.

2. According to microbiologist John Medina in “Brain Rules”, if one understands the basic neurology of learning,  vision trumps all other senses. A lesson with visuals will be remembered 65% better 78 hours later than a lesson without. Since our kids are growing up in an image-driven society, those visuals must be engaging, bright, and connected to something that matters to them (i.e. Their highs and lows) or they don’t have the sticky power. Isn't that what you want as a teacher? A message/lesson that sticks? You are only trying to be the best, wisest, careful steward of the teaching time possible. You are trying to open the kid before you open the book. And if you’re going to have maximum attention AND retention of the important things you’re teaching, you CANNOT with any neurological integrity argue that sitting in a chair listening to a lecture is good stewardship of the teaching time.

We are more than our ears. So much more. And the WORD to the post-television generation is the same living WORD that it was to the pre-television generation. Yes, faith comes from hearing, but the more I learn about the human mind, the more I know that we hear with more than our ears. 

We hear with our eyes. We hear with our bodies. We hear with our hearts.

Let's head to the heart.

Rich

It's Only One Song... One Stolen Song

Would you steal $7,290 from a starving musician? Most people would not.

But according to "Arthmetic Piracy" (exercise on p. 4 of You Shall Not Steal in our "Head to the Heart"  confirmation curriculum) that's how much it cost the artist when your kid pirates one song. The average pirated song is "shared" and reburned on 1,458 disks.

This is found in a formula called Geometric Progression. (See Wikipedia)

Info thanks to your buddy Art Stees

Mad Kid

Here's something to tuck away and share with your confirmation team when you gather them together this fall.

Rich Sommer is the only confirmation kid I ever wanted to kill. Here's a YouTube short of him talking about his role in the best show on American Television -  MAD MEN - this fall.

www.funnyordie.com

Once when Rich was in 7th or 8th grade, I had him at Bay Lake Bible Camp. He and his henchmen entourage were basically cutting up and terrorizing the whole camp. Toward mid-week he dislocated his shoulder playing “Capture the Flag.” I took him to the hospital and, while we were away, some of his gang pinned a smaller child down in the cabin and sprayed bug spray in his eyes and mouth.

When I returned, I called the parents and sent three perpetrators home. Later that week Rich told me, “Boy, was I ever lucky to be at the hospital with you when that happened.”

“Why’s that?”

“Alibi!”

(-;

Rich was also the last kid I ever confirmed... At a private ceremony at midnight on my last day of parish ministry.

Just goes to show you, there's hope for everyone!

Amanda the Masterpiece

"I am his masterpiece and to me, that’s all that matters." - Amanda Baldwin

(Note: I'm 52 cities into my 75 city tour, and am taking a break to share a faith statement paper from a girl who was recently confirmed... a girl who reminded me why I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place.)

I started going to this church when I was about 4 or 5. I did the whole Sunday School thing, every Sunday morning. I learned the song that you sing with all the Bible Chapters in order, and made a ton of crafts with a little motto on them which was most likely, ”Jesus Loves Me”.  And in 6th grade I learned about the Apostle’s Creed (even though now, I probably completely forget it). But, I wasn’t always at church.  In 4th grade, waking up at 9.30 in the morning was getting just a little old for me. In fact, I hated it. I actually avoided it at all costs. Or at least, I tried to. Some days it worked, some days it didn’t. And on the days that it didn’t, I wasn’t a happy person. I mean for gosh sakes, it was the weekend. And it seemed like it couldn’t get any worse until my parents told me at the beginning of 7th grade, “You’re going to start a program at church called confirmation. It’s every Wednesday night until the end of 9th grade.”                                                             

“What? You’re kidding right? Why?”   

“Because we said so Amanda. And we already signed you up for it, so you’re going.”   

“(sigh) fine.”    

At that moment, I had hit rock bottom.

On the 1st night of confirmation, boy was I unhappy. “Amanda, you have confirmation at 6.00. We’re leaving here at 5.30!”  “Awwww man….”  So, I get there and oh boy. What a group I got paired with. I knew 2 people. That was it. And, I had 2 sophomore girls in high school as my guides. Great. Just what I needed.  2 girls who are probably going to be too occupied in themselves to even pay attention to us. And they had cell phones. Even better. And then, I had this one lady who was my guide as well. And I didn’t even recognize her. Awesome. And this was how I felt for the 1st 2 months of confirmation. But when my 12th birthday came along, my feelings changed. I walked into “our room” and everywhere on the wall and hanging from the ceiling were signs and every single one said “Happy 12th Birthday Amanda!” And to make this Wednesday night even better, we had cake and cookies, brought in by that lady who I now knew was Ms. Rita. Right there in that moment, I no longer thought that my group was a bunch of girls who just didn’t care and didn’t want to be there. I knew that somewhere in their hearts, there was a place for their confirmands. This was so meaningful to me that if you were to go into my room right now and looked at the wall where my light switch is, every single one of those signs are hanging there.

My second year of confirmation is when I got the closest with my church. I no longer avoided coming and tried to “sleep late” or go really, really slow in getting ready in the morning. I got up and I went. I didn’t care that I woke up at 9.30. I was ready to go and learn about our father. But why, is what you’re wondering. Well, I guess that you could say it was the lessons taught on Wednesdays, or the sermons at church that I was finally starting to listen to. But, I think that it was a combination of both and the fact that now, I didn’t just walk around saying that, “Yea, I’m a Christian. I believe in Jesus.” No. I walk around now saying that same thing, but with confidence in my voice. And that’s because as I was progressing through this confirmation at church, I was slowly becoming more and more of a believer in all of these things about Jesus and everything that he’s done for us, even though we don’t deserve it. And it was all because of these things I was learning in the sermon and in lessons on Wednesdays.

So how, you’re asking has my faith changed? It’s obviously changed in a way that is not easily described. My faith has changed because I believe, I have grown in Christ in my own special way. I’ve always known he was there, but now I believe it even more. I have realized that even though we may do things wrong and bad things may happen, and I may think that everyone is against me, no matter what happens, he is there.  He’ll be with me every step of the way. He loves me.

I am his masterpiece and to me, that’s all that matters.

June 2009, Amanda, St. Johns Lutheran, Columbia, MD

Counseling Teens Alone

This week I received a note from a volunteer youth worker who is working alone with a teen who she suspects may be suicidal. She has become this child's confidant, and doesn't know where to take the information she has learned. Here's part of her note, and my response. I'd appreciate other advice for her, if you feel so inclined to comment. Part of the note read:

Rich,

So how do I get a teenager to get himself to counseling?

Do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around a bit longer?

I agree that I have become deeply involved. From a ministry point of view
I'm sure it looks like I have crossed lines.  But given that this is a
relationship between family friends, I have a different perspective.  And
anyway, do I back off from a potentially suicidal kid for fear of what
others might think?

Part of my response was:

Regarding adults working with kids alone, it is never, never, never a good idea.  There are just too many things that can happen (or can be claimed and alleged) when you are alone with a hormonally unbalanced young person, and practically all of them are bad. Back when our kids were small, I wouldn't even drive our baby sitters home without Arlyce in the car.  So how can you safely and smartly help this kid who is confiding in you? Here's my boiler-plate advice to all youth workers and volunteers:

1. First and foremost, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, don't play God. (That job is already filled) Don't even play professional couselor. Get a person with a serious problem serious help as fast as you can. Tell them you're their FRIEND not their FRUED.

2. Second, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, get to the parents as fast as you can. You cannot solve a systems problem by ignoring the most important part of the child's support system. The only exception - if the parents are being abusive. Then, you'll also want to ge to the parents as fast as you can... with the authorities doing the "getting" and you safely out of shooting range.

3. Third, if a kid says they want to talk about a problem, tell them to bring a friend or trusted adult along. Always arrange to meet in pairs or triads.

4. Fourth, always meet during daylight and make it a public place or a safe setting with other adults right out the door or, better yet, visible through a window. You should NEVER be alone in a home with a young person. If it happens to be after dark and they call for help (or you sense they're about to hurt themselves), bring a friend. DON'T GO IN WITHOUT BACKUP!


Now, let me be brutally honest here: Your "do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around" line from your letter above tells me two things.

1. With regards to his parents, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. An adult gets help when a young person in their care is in trouble. Parents are the main part of the family system, and an adult goes to the sources of the solution to get every tool in their arsenal working on the problem. It's the "rat" who doesn't help. You are not the "rat" if you help.

2. With regards to his problem, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. Letting a potentially suicidal young person "flounder around" is playing Russian Roulette. If he's under 25, his prefrontal cortex (judgment center of the brain) has yet to fully hook up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but until you have your adult judgement in place, you can't easily see a better day when problems hit. An adult doesn't let a person who is potentially a danger to himself "flounder." An adult gets help.

Be the adult you are. Get him help, and get yourself out of the role of a silent peer who may be allowing him to die.

Rich

Confidentially With Kids

When I teach churches to train guides about confidentiality, I tell them to tell their kids:

"We have only two rules in our small group:

Rule 1. EVERYTHING we share in this group is COMPLETELY confidential.

There is only one exception to this rule.

Rule 2. Nothing said in this room will leave this room UNLESS I, the adult, believe that someone is in trouble. If I feel in my best judgment that someone is being or about to be hurt, I would be a lousy friend if I didn't do everything in my power to get them help. Furthermore, I am not only morally responsible to get them out of danger, I am also legally responsible (in most states) if I'm working with kids.

So, my young friends, I'm going to be on your side! I'm going to listen and advise. I'm going to counsel and give my best, most honest judgment when asked. From this moment on, what goes on in this small group stays in this small group. You have my word. A the same time, you must know that I will never, never, never keep silent and let you or your friends get hurt (or hurt yourself) if I can help it. Christians are supposed to be part of the solution in this hurting world, and staying silent when a friend is in trouble would make me part of the problem. Don't tell me about a dangerous situation unless you actually want help and healing, because I am bound by my conscience and Christ's call to be a TRUE friend... and a true friend  doesn't leave friends in trouble. I will get help. You have my word."

Servant Lifestyle

I just read a Fuller Seminary doctoral thesis from a friend who has done FINK junior high/confirmation at his church for a dozen years. He won't let me quote it until he hands it in, but it was wonderful and affirming to see the good stuff he's doing at his Maryland church. The one weakness in his system was in Christian servanthood. They have veered away from the Faith Inkubators Formula of youth work which divides each month into:

Week 1    Theme/Learning Event (large group learning, small group care & processing)
Week 2    Servant/Fellowship Event (in small groups)
Week 3    Theme/Learning Event (large group learning, small group care & processing)
Week 4    Leadership Huddle (at a home to ask "what's working, what's not working, how can we make this better?" of the speakers, musicians, techies, guides, skit team, and all other parties)

In this church, they left the monthly servant/fellowship event in favor of asking small groups to do two servant events a year. Here was my response:

Dear X,

IF your church is having trouble getting kids to do servant events twice each year (parent's don't think it's important)...

and

IF Christian servanthood is better understood and experienced as a lifestyle, not just as two annual events (which can be skipped)...

and

IF Christian servanthood bonds small groups, creates great memories and aids in group cohesiveness (translating into fewer discipline problems and more fun)...

and

IF Christian servanthood experienced at a young age creates life-long servants...

THEN

I'd strongly suggest St. John consider going back to the three legged stool and elevate servanthood by going back to the FINK Formula of monthly Servant/Fellowship events as "Core" to the program. "This is just what we do."

(-;

In the 15 years of experimenting with this formula, the churches that have the most kids active as sophomores, juniors and seniors are those churches who adhere to the three-legged stool most closely... and that includes two learning/theme events, one fellowship/servant event, and one leadership huddle (off site at a home, looking more like a party than a teacher training event).

Blessings!

Rich

PS - We have added a top to the stool in the last three years - and that's the "every night in every home" expectation of parents sharing "highs and lows" with their kids. Our new journals are the tool for this... since NONE of our xeroxed hand-outs EVER make it home.

Work Smarter Not Martyr

The other word for "martyr" is "dead". If you don't like that word, maybe you need a different way of doing ministry.

Way back in the last millennium - I think it was around 1984 - I was three years into youth ministry and I was burning out.

90 hour weeks. Trips, camps, classes, parties, turf time... I was trying to do too much to often with too many people and always feeling like I couldn't do enough, so I decided to use a week of my continuing ed to attend a Youth Specialties conference in El Cajon. One of the workshop leaders, I think it was Les Christi, suggested that "to do more ministry more often more effectively with more kids, you need more help."

Then he talked about budgeting, and said something brilliant: "You should be spending 1/3 of your youth budget on adults."

I took that advice home, and took it to mean both money AND time. (Your only non-renewable currency).

Kidnap them in a Winnebago at midnight in their pajamas and take them out for pizza. Bring them to concerts, coffee and Colorado camping. Treat your adults like a "big kids youth group" and build the kind of fun, fellowship, and (in those days) 'brotherhood' that builds a real team. Then you can spread the ministry out and reach more kids.

One person can only do so much.

It's the end of the school year. Summer schedules are about to kick in. What could you do this week that will build your team for next fall? What memories can you create with the adults you have - and the ones you'll be targeting for your team next fall - that will start building the kind of team that you want and grow them into a tight group of committed friends?

Do something spectacular this summer with the volunteers you value. I don't think the book of Acts would have ended the same way if Jesus hadn't gone fishing with his friends. You need to perk your peeps, feed the fold, nurture the nurturers, guide the guides, care for the caregivers, foster the friendships and let them see your heart, your passion, your care. Then invite them to join you in reaching kids for Jesus.

Work smarter, not martyr.

Cement and Adolescence

I just found out my first boss died this month. I was 16, in between my sophomore and junior year, when I went to work for Morrell Larson's construction company. Morrell 's son Brian and I spent our high school summers pouring cement, tearing down buildings, shingling roofs, getting up at 5:30 to be on the job at 6, listening to KFYR in Bismark, and talking about girls, life, girls, music, Vietnam, cars, our futures after high school and girls. (Did I mention girls?)

Of all the practical lessons Morrell taught me, the most important lessons had to do with cement. Somehow over the years it became a metaphor for me, my parenting, and my work with parents and adolescents. Here's the core of Morrell's practical philosophy on cementology, and the Melheimian spin on how it applies to parenting:

“You’d better be awake and on the job. You want to have all the right tools you need clean and ready to go. Anticipate problems. You better have the forms in place before the truck gets there. Once it starts pouring, you've got to scramble, concentrate and give 110%. Take a good break after a good piece of work. You only have a short time to smooth things out. If you’ve got a big job, you’ll want to have a big team helping you. In the long run, it’s much cheaper to have too much help in place than too little. When things go wrong (and they will), don’t wast any time looking for blame – look for solutions. Expect to get a little dirty along the way. Don’t forget to clean up when you’re done.”

“And remember boys,” he’d say to us in his Old World Norwegian brogue, “…the longer it sets, the harder it gets."

Then longer it sets, the harder it gets.

So, what does this mean for parenting adolescents you might ask? Run this past anyone you know who works with cement and happens to have a teenager. See if they don't agree:

1. You’d better be awake, ready and on the job early.
2. You'd better have the right tools ready to go. (Regular communication. Consistency. Teamwork. Fun. Respect.)
3. You'd better and a good team in place (Multiple redundant support systems at church, in the family, in the neighborhood, at school).
4. You’d better have the right forms in place before adolescence. (Family rituals. Nightly faith practices like highs & lows, scripture, talk, prayer, blessing. A handful of completely inviolable rules. Healthy mechanism to deal with conflict.)
5. When you hit the problem times, blame doesn’t serve any good purpose. Look for solutions as quick as you can.
6. Once the truck gets there and it starts pouring (or the pituitary kicks in and the hormones start going nuts), you only have a short time to smooth things out. You'd better concentrate and work at 110%.
7. Take a good break AFTER a good piece of work.
8. Expect to get a little dirty along the way. It’s all part of the job.
9. Don’t forget to clean up. (i.e. confession and absolution every night when it is needed.)

10. “And remember parents… the longer it sets, the harder it gets.” (The longer you let an unresolved conflict go unresolved, the harder it gets to smooth things out.)

One lesson that was never spoken but that was always lived was Morrell's smile. He had a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face that made you think he really might like you. That's a lesson (and practice) every parent needs to intentionally, consistently add to their parenting arsenal.)

They buried Morrell the first week in March 2007 at a ripe old age of 87. We buried Brian, his son and my construction buddy, in 1976, at a ripe old age of 18.

Thanks, Morrell. You taught me a lot about cement.

And a lot more.

(PS. Say "hi" to Brian for me.)

 

FINKmania Quiz Bowl Live

Care to see what the online FINKmania Quiz Bowl games are going to look like?

90 games on 90 themes to go with our journal themes will be online this week.

Go to FINKlinks on the lower left column of our home page of www.faithink.com, and type in one of the following four-digit codes:

LL01 through LL15  for the thirty Living Lutheran Themes
LS01 through LS15 for the thirty Living Scripture Themes
LF01 through LF15 for the thirty Living Faith Themes.

Type your name, choose an avatar, and play away by pressing your assigned button and choosing the right answers.

I'd love some feedback!