The Melheimian Sabbatiblog

Holding Hands

This from Brad:

Time Magazine ran an article and photo essay about 3-4 years ago about a young child who had wandered away from a home (the house was in the middle of one of those absolutely huge Midwestern wheat fields).  After some time had passed, fifty neighbors gathered at the house & started systematically combing the surrounding fields, linking themselves together by holding hands to keep from getting spread too far apart so they didn’t miss the child as they passed by.  The child was subsequently located a couple of days later, dead from exposure.

 

The Big Color Photos That Accompanied the Article:

· Woman on porch w/ head in hands

· Huge expanse of wheat and a house

· 50 neighbors gathering near barn

· 50 neighbors walking through field holding hands

· Grieving father holding dead child w/ the caption "If only if we had held hands sooner."

Sherri Harris - Day 3

From Sherri:

"One of the hottest themes in theoretical physics is whether time itself is illusory. The confusion is such that physicists have gone as far as to recruit philosophers… The essence of time is an age-old conundrum that preoccupies not just the physicist and philosopher but also the anthropologist… Yet for most of us, time is not only real, it is the master of everything we do.” (“Real Time”, Gary Stix, Scientific American/Aug 2002)

Emphasis mine – if the physicists are even talking to the philosophers, can the theologians be far behind?

Sherri Harris - Day 2

From Sherri:

“Time talks. It speaks more plainly than words. The message it conveys comes through loud and clear. Because it is manipulated less consciously, it is subject to less distortion than the spoken language. It can shout the truth where words lie.” -----Edward T. Hall, The Silent Language

These are the opening lines of the book! Still a classic! Hall was a cultural anthropologist. Anthropologically, time is the silent language through which a given culture can be understood. What truth is time shouting at us? are we moving so fast that we can’t hear it?

Sherri Harris - Day 1

The following insights are from my new friend, Sherri Harris. I'll give them to you one day at a time.

Titus Maccius Plautus (254? – 184 B.C.) said: “The gods confound the man who first found out how to distinguish hours. Confound him, too, who in this place set up a sundial, to cut and hack my days so wretchedly into small portions!”

Certainly a man before his time, so to speak. Poor Plautus! I wonder what Plautus would have to say about the world in which we exist! In today’s world the most fleeting events that scientists can measure are in the range of attoseconds. An attosecond is a billionth of a billionth of a second, which from my frame of reference here in the 21st century makes Plautus’ “wretchedly small portions” on his sundial look heavenly. What would Plautus say about an attosecond?!

Every Day

Acts 5:42  And every day in the temple and at home they did not cease to teach and proclaim Jesus as the Messiah.

Brad Lynch came across this the other day. "It underscores the importance of the large group (Temple) / small group (Home) model," says he.

Keep Brad's son Alex in your prayers.

Constructive/Destructive Fighting

As long as we're on the relationship discussion, this additional note from my friend, the Rev. Tim Seitz-Brown, is worth repeating.

DESTRUCTIVE FIGHT STYLES

1. Apologizing prematurely

2. Refusing to take the fight seriously

3. Withdrawing- evading “toe-to-toe” confrontation- walking out- falling asleep- applying the “silent treatment”

4. Using intimate knowledge of the partner to “hit below the belt”

5. Chain-reacting- throwing in the kitchen sink- bringing in unrelated issues to pyramid the attack

6. Being a “false accommodator”—pretending to go along with the partner’s point of view for momentary peace, but hoarding doubts, secret contempt, resentments

7. Attacking indirectly (against some person, idea, or activity, value, or object which the partner loves or stands for)

8. Being a “double binder”—setting up expectations but making no attempt to fulfill them- giving a rebuke instead of a reward

9. “Character analysis”—explaining what the other person’s feelings are, or otherwise known as “mind reading”

10. Demanding more- gimme, gimme, gimme- nothing is ever enough

11. Withholding—affection, approval, recognition, material things, privileges—anything which would give pleasure or make life easier for the partner

12. Undermining—deliberating arousing or intensifying emotional insecurities, anxiety, or depression—keeping the partner on edge—threatening disaster

13. Being a “Benedict Arnold”—not only failing to defend the partner, but encouraging attacks from outsiders

 

CONSTRUCTIVE FIGHT STYLES

 

1. Program fights at special times to avoid wear/tear on innocent bystanders—leave plenty of time to handle feelings

2. Each partner gives full expression to his/her own positive feelings and his/her own negative feelings

3. Each replays the partner’s argument in his/her own words, to be sure s/he understands it—this is known as “checking out” the other’s feelings

4. Entertain the “feedback” of the other’s evaluation of your behavior- think about it before rejecting or accepting the evaluation

5. Define what the fight is really about

6. Discover where the two positions coincide and differ

7. Each one defines his/her “out of bounds” area of vulnerability

8. Determine how deeply each partner feels about his/her stake in the fight—this helps decide how much each one can yield to the other

9. Offer correctional critiques of conduct- this means for both to develop positive suggestions for improvement in the other

10. Decide how each can help the other relative to the problem

11. Recognize the volcano (spontaneous explosion w/o reason)- wait for it to subside-don’t jump in

12. Keep score by comparing what you learn versus how each has been injured. Winners are those who learn more than they get hurt.

13. Fight- after thinking- compare your opinions with each other after the leftovers, evasions, and unsettled issues, if any. This is known as “mopping up”

14. Declare a fight holiday, a truce, a period of no fight engagements- allow for making up, enjoying each other, good sex, etc.

15. Be prepared for the next fight. Intimate fighting is more or less continuous if it is accepted and expected. If you do this, the quality of fight is less vicious, the fights are shorter, the injury is less, and the learning of new aspects increase

Relationships & a Pre-Marriage Stepping Stone

I enjoyed one of the best steaks of my life at the home of the Rev's Tim and Ann Seitz-Brown in Thomasville, PA, this spring. Our actor/musician friend Thomas Ian Nicholas was at the table and the conversation turned to advice for relationships. I asked Tim for his "top ten" list on advice he gives to couples. He mulled it over and sent the following on, which I think is worth posting on any pre-marriage counselor's wall.

 

In any relationship:

 

1. Invest twice as much in the relationship as you withdraw from the relationship (at least).

2. Should you get married, never stop dating.

3. Learn to speak your girlfriend/wife's primary "love language" (see Gary Chapman's books on this concept- physical touch, gifts, quality/quantity time, words, acts of service- we all have a "language" that we prefer be spoken to us)

4. Practice constructive fight styles over against destructive fight styles (pasted below).

5. Practice forgiveness (see Walt Wangerin's book on marriage)

6. Practice honoring your spouse (see Gary Smalley, "The Gift of Honor")

7. Last, but not least, in fact it is first, put Jesus first.

 

Tim also thinks Faith Inkubators should consider adding another stepping stone on pre-marriage/early marriage? What do you think? Where would we start? What should it include? Could it be done in three sessions, or would you spread it out over the 12 areas that Prepare/Enrich cover?

I'd enjoy your ideas.

The Power of Family Rituals

The power of ritual is, it can hold you when you can’t hold yourself.

Most parents have some form of a nightly ritual with their small children. They
brush their teeth, put on their pajamas and sit on the side of the bed to talk about
the day. Perhaps there is a story, a song, a prayer, a blessing, a hug. As children
age, this child-friendly routine often fades from the schedule. Stories become less
frequent. The simple, peaceful songs shared between parent and child give way to
isolated iPods and adolescent attitude music. Hugs and blessings may cease. By the
time the child reaches age ten, the ritual might simply be a “goodnight.” By the
time the teen years roll around, many parents feel lucky to get a “goodnight” - let
alone a conversation about the events of their day.

By instilling and installing simple faith practices in the home early enough
and reinforcing them weekly with the accountability of friends at church, open
nightly communication can continue as the norm in family life before the teenage
years hit. Children will be used to talking to their parents. Bringing God into the
conversation, singing and signing the Scriptures, praying and blessing every night
will become a healthy habit. Rather than fading away, these nightly faith rituals can
increase in depth, meaning and value as children age. The caring, consistent “every
night” faith dialogue may become central to family communication and health.

It can help hold a family together in a world that could tear them apart.

Confirmation as Ordination

Rich:

FYI - the terminology of "Confirmation as Ordination" has raised the hackles of a couple of my professors at sem. They think there should be one type of ordination in the church and that is to ordained ministry.

Patrick

Dear Patrick,

Wonderful.

Hackles should be raised frequently.

What do the rest of you think?

Richy

The Fight for Highs & Lows

One night shortly after Joseph turned eight we were doing our nightly Home Huddle when we were met by a small flare-up of preadolescent rebellion.

We were starting out with our normal Highs & Lows, before Scripture, talk, prayer and blessing. When it came to Joseph's turn, he folded his arms, furrowed his brow and said, "My high is my high and my low is my low. Next!"

We should have known it was coming, but it surprized us all the same. This cheery, pleasant, kind, fun and more than slightly mischievous only son of an only son, PK of a PK was leaving the compliant parent-pleasing phase of innocent childhood and was on his way to the inevitable testing phase of his life.

So, what to do?

Now, I have to admit that this was a complicated matter. I've always taught that forced sharing is not real sharing. So I shouldn't force him, right?

I've also taught that your kid doesn't need a buddy, then need a parent. Somebody has to be your child's parent. If you don't, they'll find a surrogate... probably a peer who has less of a clue than they do. So I should force him, right?

I've also taught that true education (educatio) is "to lead or draw out". So I shouldn't force out but find a way to coax out, right?

I've also taught that "if you knew your child was going through a dark alley and you knew there was someone with a knife in the alley, you wouldn't let them go through alone" and that "adolescence is a very dark alley for many of our children."

So, what to do?

Aside from the fear of seeming like the world's bigget hypocrite for teaching parents to do Highs & Lows and not doing them in m my own family, I desperately wanted to keep regular nightly communication open with this kid. I knew if we let him get away with this at eight, we'd be dead at thirteen. He'd go into his adolescent cave and we'd be cut off.

So, Arlyce and I smiled and said, "Honey, we love you and want to know what's going on in your life."

That didn't work.

"Joseph, this is just what our family does. We talk every night. That's what it means to be a family."

That didn't work.

"Okay listen, we can stay here all night until you share." Pause. Long pause. Longer pause.

"We're waiting."

Longer pause.

"Just do it!"

We fumbled through that night, giving in to the lesser evil of forcing something that should not be forced in order to maintain a family communication ritual that, at that time and on many nights since then has not been completely understood or appreciated by our kids.

There are still some nights when the kids groan when it's time for Highs & Lows. There are still times when one kid tries to sneak off to sleep without it. There was even a time last month when grandpa was here and, when I said, "Well, what's a good Bible verse for tonight?" the PK of a PK said to my horror "Who cares!"

(I'm counting on grandpa's bad hearing to save me from that one.)

But we're not giving up. We're not going to give in and let two adolescents dictate how this family operates. (Kathryn turns 16 this month). Someone has to set the standards, someone has to follow through when things get tough, someone has to be the Christian parents in this family.

I want to give a gift to my grandchildren, and the best way I can do that is to be consistent, firm, loving and patient. (On some nights I'd settle for one out of four.)

I want to visit my grandkids, fall asleep on the couch and be wakened by a little voice that says, "Grandpa, time for highs and lows."

And in a family that only exists as a twinkle in God's eye, I want to know that because of my stubborn, pig-headed, dictatorial forcing of an eight year old to do something he didn't want to do, another family will turn off the tv, put down the newspaper, turn off the holographic games, and sit down to share Highs & Lows, Scripture, discussion, prayer and blessing every night.