The Melheimian Sabbatiblog

The Boomer, Buster and iParents (Part III)

If yesterday's approach to pulling parents into and onto the faith journey with their own kids isn't enough, here's one more thought.

NOTE: You're not asking parents to commit to something new. You're asking them to commit to someone they'd die for.

"I could create a great program, get a great curriculum, take your kid away on lots of retreats over the next few years without you, and ten years from today your kid will think I'm great. But what good is it if they think I'm great and they think you're an idiot? They can't and won't talk to you about anything? I haven't done you any good if I serve as the surrogate parent. I can't take them 52 minutes a week for the next 10 years and teach them how to communicate with you. I can't take them on 10 retreats and 10 camps over the next 10 years and teach them how to have fun with you.

I can't do it for you. I can't do it without you. We can do a great job TOGETHER.

And if you'll commit to your child - five minutes a night and one hour a week here - I'll commit to you.

Who, in a parents world, is looking them in the eye and promising to help them with the one thing that they need, want, and fear the most?

If you, the church, will do that, you won't have a problem with commitment, attendance or financing anything. If you genuinely*  promise to be their alley in keeping their family together  in a world that can tear them apart, you'll have all the help you need in family ministry.

SIDEBAR: Where does the word genuine come from?
 
genuine  [Origin: 1590–1600; < L genuīnus innate, natural = genu-, as in ingenuus native (see ingenuous) + -īnus -ine¹]from root of gignere "beget" (see genus), perhaps infl. in form by contrasting adulterinusgenu "knee," from an ancient custom of a father acknowledging paternity of a newborn by placing it on his knee.  "spurious." Alternative etymology is from L.

The Boomer, Buster & iParents (Part II)

To get to the heart of the matter, you must first get to the matter of the heart.

Reaching a Boomer, Buster and iParents means heading to the heart of their own personal needs, hopes, dreams and fears. (After all, it is all about me, isn't it?) What is their greatest passion as a parent?

They will tell you it's their kids. (Although, if you ask them to show you their calendar, it may not look like it on paper).

Most of them would die for their kids. Most of them would take a bullet, jump in front of a truck, and die for that kid without thinking twice. (On certain days, one might not die for the spouse without thinking twice, but they'd die for their kid).

Their greatest fear is losing the kid. They could lose the kid physically. The kid could walk out of their lives and never come back. They could lose the kid emotionally. (And most do for the adolescent years.) They could lose the kid spiritually. Any one of these things can and does tear the hearts out of parents on regular occasions.

What's the best way for the church to reach these parents?

Tip O'Neal said, "All politics is local." If you understand this, and know how much parents wish to have a great relationship with their own kids more than anything else, then you know what you must do. To these  parents, the church must come along side them and say:

 

"You want a great relationship with your child? I know how much you love them. I know you would die for them. I believe you can have open, caring communication, trust, and honesty with this kid all through adolescence and beyond... but it's gonna cost you something. It's not going to be automatic. Don't take out your wallet. Yes, you are used to buying your problems off, but in this case your money isn't good enough. Don't reach for your credit cards. Reach for your calendar. The cost of this fun, open, great relationship - and a child-turned-adult who even wants to talk to you when they're 18 - the cost is the most expensive currency you own - your time. You can always make more money. You will never make more time.

 

(And the clincher...) "I - the pastor/Christian ed director - will commit to you and your parenting if you'll commit to your child. It will be my personal goal that on the other side of adolescence you'll have a great relationship with this kids. I can't do this for you. I can't do this without you. (I can't take them one hour a week for two years and teach them how to enjoy your company and talk to you.) We can do a great job together. But it is going to cost you the most expensive currency you've got. I'm going to ask for five minutes a night of "Highs and Lows/Scripture/Talk/Prayer/Blessing" plus one hour a week of participation with us here at church.

 

What would it be worth to you if you had a kid five/ten years from today who wouldn't go to bed without talking to you, praying with you, blessing you?

Would it be worth five minutes a night and an hour a week at church to equip you? If you'll commit to that, I'll commit to you. And I guarantee you'll have a better relationship on the other end of adolescence than most parents who aren't intentional about this.

 

Notice you're not asking them to commit to the church. You're not asking them to commit to confirmation. You're not even asking them to commit to Jesus.

That will come!

(FINAL THOUGHT TOMORROW)

The Boomer, Buster & iParents (Part I)

My dad is 87. Ray still walks to church every Sunday, sings in the choir, and feels guilty if he misses a practice "because they might not have enough basses!"

That generation will be gone before we know it.

 

Replacing them - or choosing not to replace them in the church - will be the Baby Boomer and Baby Buster parents. Speaking from experience (after all, I am one) the bulk of my Boomer generation is  more "ask what your country/church can do for you" and less "ask what you can do for your country/church." We lost confidence in authority as we came of age, rebelled against everything during the 60s/70s, and ran away from institutions in droves. Today, as adults, we don't like authority - even when we are in charge - which presents an interesting dilemma. When it comes to the institutional church, we are now in charge, and we don't know what to do about it. As church members, if we don't like what we see in one church, we take a walk, set up our own fellowship, or quit altogether. We get what we want and think we can get away with anything. (After all, our poster-boy is Bill Clinton - the first boomer president).

Boomers parents are "What's in it for me?"

Keep that thought a moment.

 

Replacing the Boomer parent is the Buster parent. The Buster parents "still haven't found what they're looking for." Busters don't have a problem with authority like the Boomers. They simply dismiss authority as irrelevant. They don't have a problem with the church. The church was and is just not that much a part of their lives. They could take it or leave it, but most likely not have to leave it, because you can't leave something if you were never emotionally a part of it in the first place. Wonder why the Busters don't come back to church when they have kids of their own? They can't come back.

You can't come back to a place you've never been.

Replacing the Buster parents will be the Millennials or the iParent. To them, the world is a myriad of choices, friends, and interactions. Personal input, engagement and interaction is the expectation. This was  the first generation who spent more time on the internet than on television. They don't buy a "one way street" of communication like the TV generation. They won't listen to a one-way sermon, either. If they aren't engaged, involved in the shaping of the discussion, entangled in meaningful relationships in your setting, and doing "hands-on-make-a-difference-that-i-can-see" work, they will simply click away to a more meaningful setting. Oh, they'll click back from time to time to see what's up with you (staying for 4.2 seconds if they don't find anyone engaging in meaningful life) but they won't stay. Unless the system you have in place invites their gifts and talents and interests and comments directly in the worship and education experiences, and unless your place becomes a place for them to meet and relate to their friends, they've got far too many other options to mess with your faith community.

So, there's the challenge. How do you reach these folks?

 

I'll give you my opinion tomorrow. And, if you care enough to come back, you'll:

A. Disagree with it entirely (Boomer)
B. Both disagree and agree at the same time... and feel strongly both ways about it (Buster)
C. Not show up at all tomorrow because as an iParent you've got way too many things on your plate anyway, unless a couple of your friends show up and you find out about it and don't want to miss out on the fun (iParent)

Theological Argument?

From a friendly pastor in an eastern state - the names were changed to protect the innocent:

Rich ---

My husband is trying desperately to get Faith Stepping Stones started at 'his' (?) church. (I know, it's God's church…but you get what I mean.) He has the staff from hell. Lazy & crazy. He started telling them how wonderful FSS is -- how it can help families etc…. They dragged their feet --- tried to invent their own version --- but have done nothing. So he keeps bringing it up. Printed up stuff I had --- Printed up stuff from your web site --- went over it in staff meeting. Still nothing. The last time he brought it up --- one of the staff said she didn't agree with it theologically. So he somehow kept himself from smacking her……Then a few days later the young parents group (which keeps going without staff support) asked him if he and I would come and talk about how to talk with your kids about death, cancer etc…. So, we did a whole thing on the importance of having something to hang on to during the hard time --- and introduced Home Huddle.

Of course the parents loved it. And we are receiving emails about how wonderful it is.

Here are a couple: (I'll cut and paste)

Pastor-
I just wanted you to know how much my kids and I are enjoying the Home Huddle each night. All day long my daughter will tell me that "this is going to be my high tonight." She loves blessing us and it's just become a wonderful evening ritual. Thanks so much! 

Candy

I wanted to pass on to you that we have started doing the daily highs and lows that you guys taught us at parent's group.  It has been so fun and even my 1 year old gets in on the action.  It really is a fun time.  Then at night, I do the kiss-the-pinky-blessing thing and they LOVE it!!!!  They usually do it in return and the sweet sentiments that come from their mouths give me fuel for another day of insanity with them!

Thanks to both of you for leading a great Parents' Group.

Madison

I responded:

I'd LOVE to know the theological argument AGAINST having parents as primary faith mentors with the church as reinforcement - rather than replacement!

I'd LOVE to know the theological argument AGAINST bringing parents back to the baptismal promises every night in every home.

I'd LOVE to know the theological argument AGAINST caring conversations between parent and child each night.

I'd LOVE to know the theological argument AGAINST a Bible verse a night, prayer and blessing every night.

I'd LOVE to know the theological argument AGAINST equipping parents at 8 crucial phases of parenting to be the church in action.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I'd also LOVE to know the theological argument FOR the church trying to replace the parents in the Christian nurture of a child.

(-;

Rich

Claire's Tri-Fold Blessing

Here's what a creative 8-year-old named Claire Crocker does with our nightly blessing concept:

"When I started using H2H for confirmation four years ago, our family started the nightly home huddle, though our kids were only 4 and 2.  Our daughter Claire, now 8, has recently employed more symbols for our foreheads than just the cross.  Each night when she blesses her brother, mother and me, she will say, "In the name of the Father [traces a cross] and the Son [traces an ichthus fish] and the Holy Spirit [traces a circle]."  It's fun to observe the development of thought and practice, and even more fun to share in blessing one another. 

Thanks, FINKs, for your tremendous gifts."

Pastor Brian Crocker & Claire

Zion/Calvary Lutheran Churches, Winter/Draper, WI

Spilled Pills, Kids, and Stingy Stewards

I sat at the same computer from 6:23 to 9:49 yesterday.

That's AM to PM with three trips to the fridge for Coke and two trips to the bathroom.

Yeah, making stellar updates take time. It will be worth it, but I was in need of a break.

So after such a long day, what did I do? I went home to eat and sleep.

Pulling a couple asprin out of the bottle, I managed to empty the entire 300 tablets on our remodeling kitchen floor. Tiny pills. Annoying pills. Pills that would stop a headache were now about to give me one.

My first thought was "hit undo!"

But I couldn't. Some things can't be undone.

My second thought was "ignore them. go to bed. they will be gone in the morning."

But some mistakes don't disappear like so many silverfish in the bathroom tub when you flick on the light in the morning.

I had three options.

A. Ignore them.

B. Get a broom, sweep them up and throw them away, or

C. If you're a stingey Norwegian steward with a deep sense of guilt at wasting the slightest crumb because there are children starving somewhere in the world - or in this case in need of an asprin - you get down on your hands and knees and pick them up one at a time.

Not by the handfulls. They are too small. One at a time.

So, what does this have to do with youth and family ministry you might ask?

I'm glad you asked.

Our kids are out of the bottle. They're on the floor. They could be ignored. They could be walked on and crushed to powder. They could merely be  swept up and thrown away.

Or we could find people - stingy stewards of God's grace who don't want a single one to be left behind - and get down on our hands and knees and pick them up. Gather them into the bottle. Keep them safe and together and in a good place.

Even if we're tired. Pick 'em up.

Even if we've had a long day at work. Pick 'em up.

Even if we don't feel like it. Pick 'em up.

We pick them up. That's what Christians do.

We pick them up. Lovingly. Carefully. One at a time.

That's what love is.

That's what God does.

That's your calling.

And it's also your call.

Your Cheatin' High

Rich,

My 13 year old son is the house comedian.  His low one evening was getting caught unprepared for a pop quiz at school.  When I asked about his high – with perfect timing and natural flow he said – the guy next to him was prepared.

Rex Miller (The Millennium Matrix Guy)

Sherri Harris - Day 6

From Sherri: On Time as Sacrament

I am a single mother of a son and daughter who are both adults now. During their junior high and senior high years, we rushed from activity to activity. My son was a swimmer and my daughter played soccer and basketball. In addition, both were involved in numerous other activities at school and church. There were practices, meets, games, and of course, homework. We were always on the run – often dinner was in the car on the way to some activity. Time was certainly the enemy.
I noticed a phenomenon that developed during their junior high years. About the time I was turning in for the night, one or both would come into my bedroom, sit down on the bed and begin to talk. These conversations were not run of the mill. They generally were very serious in nature. This was the point that they brought up their concerns, fears and questions about life in general. This was the time for the heavy duty stuff of life. At first I believed that there must be some master conspiracy against my sleep. But as I have further reflected on this phenomenon, I have become convinced that the sharing occurred at bedtime, because that was the point in the day that we had each slowed down enough for these issues to bubble up. The television was off; the phone had quit ringing. The house had quieted down. Some of the most memorable discussions between my kids and I occurred during these bedtime discussions. We talked about life, God and the future. My son and daughter allowed me to glimpse the adults they were becoming. These were the times when we cried together. By this time of day, I was generally pretty tired and not full of much wisdom, so mostly I just listened, really listened. I believe this was what both my son and daughter really needed – they weren’t looking for the answers just someone to hear them and be really present with them. They were trying to sort out the solutions for themselves. I am so incredibly grateful that they sought me out for these talks, but I can’t help but wonder what our lives would have been like had our schedules been less hectic.

These evening moments of sharing were moments in which the three of us experienced time as a sacrament.

Sherri Harris - Day 5

“The great tragedy of speed as an answer to the complexities and responsibilities of existence is that very soon we cannot recognize anything or anyone who is not traveling at the same velocity as we are. We see only those moving in the same whirling orbit and only those moving with the same urgency. Soon we begin to suffer a form of amnesia, caused by the blurred vision of velocity itself, where those things germane to our humanity are dropped from our minds one by one. … On the personal side, as slaves to speed, we start to lose sight of family members, especially children, or those who are ill or infirm, who are not flying through the world as quickly and determinedly as we are.” – David Whyte, Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity

This is one of my favorites! If we want to have meaningful relationships, we must learn to live within time as God intended. One of the places we can look to for an example is to a young child. Young children live completely, totally in the present moment. They experience time fully. Due to their approach to time, young children live in a world full of wonder and excitement. Oh, that we could free ourselves of the constraints of time and experience the present moment fully and completely.

Of course, this statement convicts us. Who are we unable to connect with due to the difference in our relative velocities?

Sherri Harris - Day 4

“In contrast [to Newton’s concept of time], in relativity theory time is defined by a description of specific manipulations with clocks, light signals, and measuring rods. It turns out that events that are simultaneous for one observer will occur at different moments if viewed by another observer moving at a different velocity, which observer is “correct”? In practice this question is meaningless. Both are correct. In fact, there is no operational meaning to “absolute simultaneity,” despite its intuitive reasonableness. All operations by which time is measured are relative ones.” -- Klotz, Irving and Rosenberg, Robert. Introduction to Chemical Thermodynamics.

This statement supports the importance of one’s frame of reference – of which one’s velocity (speed) is of prime importance. Our ‘experience’ of the events of our lives is a function of our velocity.