The Melheimian Sabbatiblog

A Little Grace

Layton "Skip" James, principal keyboardist from the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, just wrote and sent me a little grace while he was sitting waiting for his car to get fixed. Now there's a good way to use your time.

 

Thought for the Day

We wonder why our kids leave church and never come back. Maybe they were never there.

Oh, there butts may have been in the chairs, but their hearts and minds were miles away.

You can't come back to a place you've never been.

What can you do with your engaging smile, your kind, fun voice, the warmth of your presence, and your safe touch to get them their tonight?

Be Heard

I'm  in Aspen this weekend at our new Faith Inkubators Foundation Retreat Center hosting our friend Chris Tribble and a dozen kids as they launch a new web tv show called "Be Heard."

Check out their first interviews.

Tony Campolo for Dinner

I just picked Tony C up at the airport and took him for a seared salmon salad before his speaking engagement at Lake Harriet UMC tonight. I enjoy kidnapping mentors like Tony for an hour here and there when they happen to come to the Twin Cities to speak. For the price of a dinner I usually get some really good advice.

Tonight Tony asked how things have been going since my heart incident. I quoted Gandhi on the events of the last three years: "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win."

He corrected me with a slightly different version:

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then they appoint you head of an institution of the church... and you are never heard from again."
                 

The Most Important Thing About Money Is

Happy Easter!

I'm at my sister-in-law Amy's for Easter. We're about to go pick grandpa up for Easter Breakfast. My wife Arlyce just returned from Mexico, where she helped our church's 70 high schoolers put 20 roofs on 20 houses, plus a roof on church in a week.

While waiting to head out for church, we started talking about how to keep our kids from getting spoiled rotten in a world of privilege where 6% of the people consume 90-something % of the world's resources. During the chat, I turned to my 15-year-old niece Nichole and asked her to fill in the blank:

"The most important thing to know about money is..."

Her answer?

"...it's still paper."

Taking a Nap

Edwin Freidman said that one of the most important aspects of leadership during crisis is a "non-anxious presence." The louder and more chaotic a situation gets, the calmer and more resolute and direct the true leader must get. (Remember the General Walking on the Beach during a mortar attack in "Apocalypse Now" ("I love the smell of napalm in the morning")

I think Friedman was right. Only I call that "Non-Anxious Presence" a NAP.

What a leader really needs during times of crisis is a... NAP!

A Good Friday Thought on Leadership and the Future of Dying Denominations

There are only three kinds of pastors.

Risk Takers
Care-Takers
Undertakers

You must decide who you will be.

And what you decide will determine where you go, who you lead, who will follow, and who you will leave behind... on purpose.

Happy Good Friday.

Robbing Grandma

Okay, this is worth a look.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fDmp967UMds

She reminds me of my mom. It's what I know she would have done if someone had tried to rob her in a Walmart parking lot.

Counseling Teens Alone

This week I received a note from a volunteer youth worker who is working alone with a teen who she suspects may be suicidal. She has become this child's confidant, and doesn't know where to take the information she has learned. Here's part of her note, and my response. I'd appreciate other advice for her, if you feel so inclined to comment. Part of the note read:

Rich,

So how do I get a teenager to get himself to counseling?

Do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around a bit longer?

I agree that I have become deeply involved. From a ministry point of view
I'm sure it looks like I have crossed lines.  But given that this is a
relationship between family friends, I have a different perspective.  And
anyway, do I back off from a potentially suicidal kid for fear of what
others might think?

Part of my response was:

Regarding adults working with kids alone, it is never, never, never a good idea.  There are just too many things that can happen (or can be claimed and alleged) when you are alone with a hormonally unbalanced young person, and practically all of them are bad. Back when our kids were small, I wouldn't even drive our baby sitters home without Arlyce in the car.  So how can you safely and smartly help this kid who is confiding in you? Here's my boiler-plate advice to all youth workers and volunteers:

1. First and foremost, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, don't play God. (That job is already filled) Don't even play professional couselor. Get a person with a serious problem serious help as fast as you can. Tell them you're their FRIEND not their FRUED.

2. Second, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, get to the parents as fast as you can. You cannot solve a systems problem by ignoring the most important part of the child's support system. The only exception - if the parents are being abusive. Then, you'll also want to ge to the parents as fast as you can... with the authorities doing the "getting" and you safely out of shooting range.

3. Third, if a kid says they want to talk about a problem, tell them to bring a friend or trusted adult along. Always arrange to meet in pairs or triads.

4. Fourth, always meet during daylight and make it a public place or a safe setting with other adults right out the door or, better yet, visible through a window. You should NEVER be alone in a home with a young person. If it happens to be after dark and they call for help (or you sense they're about to hurt themselves), bring a friend. DON'T GO IN WITHOUT BACKUP!


Now, let me be brutally honest here: Your "do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around" line from your letter above tells me two things.

1. With regards to his parents, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. An adult gets help when a young person in their care is in trouble. Parents are the main part of the family system, and an adult goes to the sources of the solution to get every tool in their arsenal working on the problem. It's the "rat" who doesn't help. You are not the "rat" if you help.

2. With regards to his problem, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. Letting a potentially suicidal young person "flounder around" is playing Russian Roulette. If he's under 25, his prefrontal cortex (judgment center of the brain) has yet to fully hook up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but until you have your adult judgement in place, you can't easily see a better day when problems hit. An adult doesn't let a person who is potentially a danger to himself "flounder." An adult gets help.

Be the adult you are. Get him help, and get yourself out of the role of a silent peer who may be allowing him to die.

Rich

Confidentially With Kids

When I teach churches to train guides about confidentiality, I tell them to tell their kids:

"We have only two rules in our small group:

Rule 1. EVERYTHING we share in this group is COMPLETELY confidential.

There is only one exception to this rule.

Rule 2. Nothing said in this room will leave this room UNLESS I, the adult, believe that someone is in trouble. If I feel in my best judgment that someone is being or about to be hurt, I would be a lousy friend if I didn't do everything in my power to get them help. Furthermore, I am not only morally responsible to get them out of danger, I am also legally responsible (in most states) if I'm working with kids.

So, my young friends, I'm going to be on your side! I'm going to listen and advise. I'm going to counsel and give my best, most honest judgment when asked. From this moment on, what goes on in this small group stays in this small group. You have my word. A the same time, you must know that I will never, never, never keep silent and let you or your friends get hurt (or hurt yourself) if I can help it. Christians are supposed to be part of the solution in this hurting world, and staying silent when a friend is in trouble would make me part of the problem. Don't tell me about a dangerous situation unless you actually want help and healing, because I am bound by my conscience and Christ's call to be a TRUE friend... and a true friend  doesn't leave friends in trouble. I will get help. You have my word."