Counseling Teens Alone

This week I received a note from a volunteer youth worker who is working alone with a teen who she suspects may be suicidal. She has become this child's confidant, and doesn't know where to take the information she has learned. Here's part of her note, and my response. I'd appreciate other advice for her, if you feel so inclined to comment. Part of the note read:

Rich,

So how do I get a teenager to get himself to counseling?

Do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around a bit longer?

I agree that I have become deeply involved. From a ministry point of view
I'm sure it looks like I have crossed lines.  But given that this is a
relationship between family friends, I have a different perspective.  And
anyway, do I back off from a potentially suicidal kid for fear of what
others might think?

Part of my response was:

Regarding adults working with kids alone, it is never, never, never a good idea.  There are just too many things that can happen (or can be claimed and alleged) when you are alone with a hormonally unbalanced young person, and practically all of them are bad. Back when our kids were small, I wouldn't even drive our baby sitters home without Arlyce in the car.  So how can you safely and smartly help this kid who is confiding in you? Here's my boiler-plate advice to all youth workers and volunteers:

1. First and foremost, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, don't play God. (That job is already filled) Don't even play professional couselor. Get a person with a serious problem serious help as fast as you can. Tell them you're their FRIEND not their FRUED.

2. Second, if you determine that a young person has a serious problem, get to the parents as fast as you can. You cannot solve a systems problem by ignoring the most important part of the child's support system. The only exception - if the parents are being abusive. Then, you'll also want to ge to the parents as fast as you can... with the authorities doing the "getting" and you safely out of shooting range.

3. Third, if a kid says they want to talk about a problem, tell them to bring a friend or trusted adult along. Always arrange to meet in pairs or triads.

4. Fourth, always meet during daylight and make it a public place or a safe setting with other adults right out the door or, better yet, visible through a window. You should NEVER be alone in a home with a young person. If it happens to be after dark and they call for help (or you sense they're about to hurt themselves), bring a friend. DON'T GO IN WITHOUT BACKUP!


Now, let me be brutally honest here: Your "do I rat him out to his parents or let him flounder around" line from your letter above tells me two things.

1. With regards to his parents, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. An adult gets help when a young person in their care is in trouble. Parents are the main part of the family system, and an adult goes to the sources of the solution to get every tool in their arsenal working on the problem. It's the "rat" who doesn't help. You are not the "rat" if you help.

2. With regards to his problem, you are an adult but you are acting like a peer to him. Letting a potentially suicidal young person "flounder around" is playing Russian Roulette. If he's under 25, his prefrontal cortex (judgment center of the brain) has yet to fully hook up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but until you have your adult judgement in place, you can't easily see a better day when problems hit. An adult doesn't let a person who is potentially a danger to himself "flounder." An adult gets help.

Be the adult you are. Get him help, and get yourself out of the role of a silent peer who may be allowing him to die.

Rich

Comments

[Amy Kippen]

Wow..that is the best advice I've heard regarding youth ministry in a long time. We just had this conversation at our last area youth workers monthly lunch. I kept thinking, "What about the parents? In these situations, youth workers first role should be connecting the kids with their parents." It makes my resolve even stronger to equip parents to be active Christian role models for their kids. Not starting at adolescense, but in the cradle. Have some new ideas about this. Can't wait to run them by you. Blessings...see you in a couple days.

[Rich]

Share it with your youth ministry group. I'd love to get their comments.

See you soon.

Rich