The Fight for Highs & Lows

One night shortly after Joseph turned eight we were doing our nightly Home Huddle when we were met by a small flare-up of preadolescent rebellion.

We were starting out with our normal Highs & Lows, before Scripture, talk, prayer and blessing. When it came to Joseph's turn, he folded his arms, furrowed his brow and said, "My high is my high and my low is my low. Next!"

We should have known it was coming, but it surprized us all the same. This cheery, pleasant, kind, fun and more than slightly mischievous only son of an only son, PK of a PK was leaving the compliant parent-pleasing phase of innocent childhood and was on his way to the inevitable testing phase of his life.

So, what to do?

Now, I have to admit that this was a complicated matter. I've always taught that forced sharing is not real sharing. So I shouldn't force him, right?

I've also taught that your kid doesn't need a buddy, then need a parent. Somebody has to be your child's parent. If you don't, they'll find a surrogate... probably a peer who has less of a clue than they do. So I should force him, right?

I've also taught that true education (educatio) is "to lead or draw out". So I shouldn't force out but find a way to coax out, right?

I've also taught that "if you knew your child was going through a dark alley and you knew there was someone with a knife in the alley, you wouldn't let them go through alone" and that "adolescence is a very dark alley for many of our children."

So, what to do?

Aside from the fear of seeming like the world's bigget hypocrite for teaching parents to do Highs & Lows and not doing them in m my own family, I desperately wanted to keep regular nightly communication open with this kid. I knew if we let him get away with this at eight, we'd be dead at thirteen. He'd go into his adolescent cave and we'd be cut off.

So, Arlyce and I smiled and said, "Honey, we love you and want to know what's going on in your life."

That didn't work.

"Joseph, this is just what our family does. We talk every night. That's what it means to be a family."

That didn't work.

"Okay listen, we can stay here all night until you share." Pause. Long pause. Longer pause.

"We're waiting."

Longer pause.

"Just do it!"

We fumbled through that night, giving in to the lesser evil of forcing something that should not be forced in order to maintain a family communication ritual that, at that time and on many nights since then has not been completely understood or appreciated by our kids.

There are still some nights when the kids groan when it's time for Highs & Lows. There are still times when one kid tries to sneak off to sleep without it. There was even a time last month when grandpa was here and, when I said, "Well, what's a good Bible verse for tonight?" the PK of a PK said to my horror "Who cares!"

(I'm counting on grandpa's bad hearing to save me from that one.)

But we're not giving up. We're not going to give in and let two adolescents dictate how this family operates. (Kathryn turns 16 this month). Someone has to set the standards, someone has to follow through when things get tough, someone has to be the Christian parents in this family.

I want to give a gift to my grandchildren, and the best way I can do that is to be consistent, firm, loving and patient. (On some nights I'd settle for one out of four.)

I want to visit my grandkids, fall asleep on the couch and be wakened by a little voice that says, "Grandpa, time for highs and lows."

And in a family that only exists as a twinkle in God's eye, I want to know that because of my stubborn, pig-headed, dictatorial forcing of an eight year old to do something he didn't want to do, another family will turn off the tv, put down the newspaper, turn off the holographic games, and sit down to share Highs & Lows, Scripture, discussion, prayer and blessing every night.

Comments

[Bill Henderson]

Thanks for the refreshing honesty, and the encouragement. One of my favorite phrases for families I work with is: "You'll never go wrong by doing the right."

Bill

[Mark Schoepp]

Wow! That is good to hear. We are all in the same boat. And we, as parents to have to make the choice to be parents. Great! Thanks! And I do hope you wake up as a grandparent to your grandchild calling you to "highs and lows".

Mark